I have seen the future of rock 'n' roll....

And his name is Robert Matthew Van Winkle.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking, namely, "Joe, are you *beep* RETARDED? First of all, the genre is 'wrap,' and secondly you have no qualifications as any kind of music critic/expert - do you think you're Jon Landau or something?!" As a matter of fact, I once wrote a three-page review of Exile on Main St. that was published in my school's paper and got an "A". Yeah, you Melody Maker-reading bitches, suck on that.

Anyway, his rythme is so seamless and street-smart I often forget he is Caucasian... but then again, it follows in the time honored tradition of white people interpreting/bastardizing/blatantly plagarising black people's music and making it "acceptable" for white audiences. The blues WAS unacceptable because it had sexual and Satanic references and was performed by Negroes. Once white people got their hands on it, though, they improved/diluted/pussified it, thus making it accessible to middle America in a way only the British could.

Vanilla Ice is just a continuation in this trend, one that started with the likes of Elvis, reappeared during the British invasion, and is just now emerging from this whole rap phenomenon. At this point, I don't know if rap's gonna have the longevity and influence of the blues or rock 'n' roll, or if it will simply be a bad memory like disco and Asia (the band, not the continent, which, I'm told, is still around - hey, I'm a music critic, not a *beep* geographist), but I KNOW "The Ice Man" will definitely leave his mark on the genre. Just listen to his brilliant, off-the-cuff remarks like "drop the zero and get wit' a HERO!" Now, the man couldv'e said "drop the *beep* and get with a hit," but that would be tasteless and crass, and Vanilla Ice is most definitely NOT either of those things. In fact, I would go so far as to add "talentless" to that list, because dammit if this kid ain't really, really talented. *beep* he's got so much talent I find myself at a loss to find specific, defensible examples demonstrative of this fact.

And like the white musicians before him, The Ice Man is really paving the way, albeit for far less talented, more "authentic" rappers... or, should I say, suckers. Hahahahahahahahaha!! Suckers!!!! God Damn, Joe, you're a funny *beep* ah hem, anyway, Eminem just trumps his ghetto upbringing as if it automatically equals street cred, and Paul Wall - wait, is he even alive? I don't know... but back to my point, Vanilla Ice never tries to flaunt his rough childhood in a bad neighborhood, mostly because he's too legit to need to do so, though some naysayers will insist it's because he actually grew up middle-class and therefore HAS no ghetto upbringing. But if I catch anybody peddling that *beep* on this forum and I will "wax a chump like a candle," see if I don't.

Unlike most of the model-looking young people with some vocal experience and dancing ability propped up by big-business record conglomerates and used by multi-national corporations to sell their overpriced goods to teenagers that pass for "talent" these days, The Ice Man has the goods, and he will deliver. Make no mistake, Robert Matthew Van Winkle will save rock 'n' roll yet, just you wait.

"Never rat on your friends, and always, ALWAYS keep your mouth shut."





You still waiting? Yeah, I am too. You know what, just forget I said all of that. *beep* my musical credibility is shot to hell, then... just like The Ice Man's... at least I'm in good company.