When was Dany "raped and defiled" ?

I agree with this.

I also read the books later and was surprised at that. I wonder why they changed it for the show.

»That's actually a fairly recent thing from a legal perspective.«

You’re right, that’s how it is in our real world.
We don’t know about the laws in Westeros and Essos. I guess that in Dorthraki law, for that matter, there’s no such thing as rape at all.

However, I don't think that Daenerys talked about the legal aspect at all in that scene.
To her, it felt like rape and defilement, and in her eyes, she was raped and defiled.
And Jon Snow was wise enough not to ask: "Ummm, by rape, are you talking about Dorthraki law or Westros law or old Valyrian law or what?"

And that ANY crime is _negated_ because the victim changes his or hers attitude towards the perpetrator, is of course total BS.

Sure...and humans were bought,sold and housed much like livestock. The bible even provides instruction on how to sacrifice one in lieu of actual livestock...oh and if you should need to sell your daughter into sexual slavery...the scriptures have that covered as well! Hell, in the US,former male slaves were granted the right to vote in 1869...women did not achieve the status of being equal (to 3/5 a human being mind you) in the ballot booths for more than 50 years later. So an argument that consists of that's how it used to be doesn't hold a lot of water in the here and now...and morals are ever present. What is wrong today was just as wrong in the past even if the majority accepted or even embraced it.

In a modern Western legal perspective, she was raped since she was forced to marry someone with/without consent and second she was too young, in the show I think she's 15 (13 in the books)?

But I guess since this is based on Medieval traditions and culture, they wouldn't consider it as rape and Dany shouldn't see it as rape either although I wonder if women of that time period who had a horrible experience as Sansa had with Ramsey would see it as rape. I guess the best way to imagine how girls and women would've felt back then is to see how Muslim women in the Middle East & etc or in India even feel about their husbands from arranged marriages that brutalize them. Many women and young girls in such places still go through that sort of thing. Their POVs and thinking would probably be the best way to imagine how people used to think about such things.

So I guess Dany stating it as rape seems unrealistic since it's a very modern perspective. And her rape doesn't make her any more special than many noble women who went through the same thing.

But you know I think, even if married girls didn't consider or call it rape at the time, cruelties like that of Ramsey's for example, would be considered as torture nonetheless.