Some of the pedestrian stuff always gets me...
"Dang honey you look like a hot dish", especially at 2 in the morning...
or the construction workers saying "Move that piece of s**t!"
Jack Bauer removed my chi with a hacksaw.
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Rosenberg: When i have a problem with someone i write them an angry letter, maybe i pee in there mailbox but i dont start world war 3!
.....
Tommy: This is the last dance for Lance Vance
.....
Tommy: Whats with the codename, Quentin?
Lance: I dont know i always kinda liked it, Quentin Vance.
Tommy: Vance? YOUR NAMES LANCE VANCE! HAHAHA Poor Bastard.
.....
Alex Shrub: Have you met my wife, well shes in alabama this is Candy.
Alex Shrub: Can you call me Martha?
.....
Pedestrian after you hit there car: Stupid Damn! Idiot
What, me worry?
1. Anything DJ Amy says, period.
2. Rosenberg: 'I couldn't intimidate a child and believe me, I've tried.'
3. Maurice Chavez, when womanizing (70% of his lines, approx)
4. Lance Vance: 'Say goodnight, Mr Diaz!' I find it amusing as later he pulls a similar line on Tommy, re the betrayal.
5. Any line with the word cajones.
6. Kent Paul: 'That bonkers ambulance chaser? He could defend an innocent man all the way to Death Row!'
7. I can't recall all the lines, but when Tommy chases down one of Cortez's enemies with a chainsaw... 'You'd better start running, *beep*
Yeah and the guy you're chasing with the chainsaw says "I've wasted my life...and my looks!"
Just enjoy the Ozzy and keep your mouth shut!
Phil (when Tommy's driving him to get patched up): There's a guy in Little Havana owes me a few favours and a lawnmower. Oooh look, a giant fish!
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This pedestrian dialogue and her posh voice always brings a bright smile to my face.
Beautiful girl with long black hair wearing a blue skirt and blue jacket:-
(When driving her car and being bumped from behind by another car):-
-"Idiota!"
-"Oh man papie's gonna kill me!"
-"Look what you did to my new car!"
-"Hope your happy."
(Standing in front of a dead person or wrecked vehicle):-
-"Oh no the magic!"
-"I am so confused!"
-"This is so extreme!"
(When walking and being bumped into by another pedestrian or Tommy)
-"How much cash do you need?"
-"I'm too young to fall in love."
-"Was it something I said?"
-"Where am I nothing seems right?"
-"What kind of car do you drive?!"
"I gotta lay off the pills, I'm seeing s_it!"
We ride together. We die together. Bad Boys for life.
Maurice: And up on Capital Hill, you were instrumental in pushing through a bill allowing the manufacture and sale of "Giggle Cream", a dessert with potential lethal consequences.
Alex Shrub: Uh, not true! Only 23 people have died and several of them probably deserved it.
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Alex: That's not entirely true, Maurice. My campaign also appealed to
the poor... who were too stupid to understand what I'm saying, so I held
up pretty pictures and then I gave out candy bars to appeal to their
most base insticts.
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And every line coming from Pastor Richards and Maurice Chavez.
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Tommy to chasing cops - "I DID YOUR WIFE....You poor bastard"
Tommy: Remember the name!
Hey. This is a private residence, man.
Tommy:
-Kiss the pavement!
-My need is greater than yours.
-Guns are legal in Vice City, pal.
-You badge-wearin' fruit!
-Thank you! (After collecting money.)
-I did your wife, you poor bastard!
'Well, since you put it that way, I'm in.' -Niko Bellic
-Man, you the man man, I like you man. I like you alot.
-I just wanted to piss you off before I kill you.
-Bribery, screw Bribery...I'll show you how to make them scared.
-give me a drink...and wheres that sluts?
Pastor Richards: Evil doer! Die Devil, die!
Maurice: OMG theres blood and p____ hair all over the studio! Barry? can you hear me?
Barry: Stop the bleeding, its down there....
Cop: Can't we settle this over a donut?
Cop: Stop police.....please?
Tommy - Remember Georgio? Remember he's innocent?!
Diaz - STUPID HORSE! I'll chop yer head off!!! Grr....
That guy on VCPR who gets naked
Ken: What? Oh it's you! Oh geez! I'm gonna need new pants!
Ken: I like fish, I love fish! I love them as pets in a bowl, or as food on a plate! But as much as I love them, I don't wanna sleep with them, ok?
Ken: Hey Tommy, I could be a stick up man. STICK EM UP STICK EM UP.
Tommy: You're not a stick up man, your an idiot.
While not a "funny joke", there's a nice in-joke on one of the radio stations (I can't remember which it is right now), there's a girl speaking that's scared crazy of all modern technology, and a caller calls in talking about a super computer and identifying himself as "Emmanuel from Long Island" (I could be "Eric from Long Island" as well), the interesting part is that it is the actual voice of Eric Corley, a.k.a Emmanuel Goldstein (he really is from Long Island), a well known computer hacker, radio talkshow host (he had a great call-in show in the late 80's now available online) and founder of the 2600 magazine.
I saw on his credits that he also appeared in GTA III, though I can't remember hearing him there.
Being a fan of his radio shows, and recently having listened through all his "Brain Damage" shows (aired 1988-1995) I reacted instantly to hearing his voice on that vice city radio station.
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Cop-Dont make me run ill get all sweaty
I GOT SOME ICE CREAM AND DIDNT GET NONE CAUSE U ON DA WELFARE - Eddie Murphy