My first nomination - when the well-to do-lady lodges a complaint about Scanlon repeatedly trying to hit on her. After telling Barney and Wojo about this, she asks : "He does belong to you, doesn't he?"
Wojo, nodding and smiling : "He, uh, does now..."
Ha, yeah that was funny because Scanlon was alway trying to get Wojo in trouble for one thing or another.
One of my other favs:
Nick(to Barney): What do they call those things, the ones that run and leap through the air?
Harris(walking by): Slaves.
His delivery was always deliciously dry and sarcastic, he always had me rolling!
Can't believe you've never been cow-tipping before!!
Death is a theme in the show - Dietrich says "I always admired the Japanese outlook on death. The calm acceptance, the treating it as a part of life..."
Yemana leans in to Wojo and says "Personally, I'm going kicking and screaming all the way."
Wojo: "Why don't you tell -him- that?"
Yemana: "I like my image!"
Nick always had some of the best lines. Like the time they were talking about anarchy...
Harris: You know what anarchy is, right?
Nick: Yeah, that's when people run around doing whatever they wanna do...like the Jets.
OMG I came on the site to right that down as my favorite line. I happend to be watching that episode at the moment. I am laughing now typing this. That line was classic.
"I'll be your huckleberry"
With Barney Miller, it wasn't just the writing, it was all in the delivery. The way the actors delivered their lines was what made them funny. Like, if they say something that, if written down, doesn't seem funny, they make it funny by delivering it in a way that coincides in response to what someone else had just said.
Yemana, Dietrich, Chano and Fish had the BEST deliveries. They made it sound funny even if it wasn't written so.
Wojo: "Einstein flunked math in school"
Yemana: "...so did I."
Yemana: "Why are you asking me?"
Barney: "It's made in Japan."
Yemana: "Yeah but I wasn't."
LOL
Dietrich: "I told you you'd call her back when you got out of the bathroom."
Harris: "You told her I was IN THE BATHROOM?"
Dietrich: "That's where you were."
Harris: "I KNOW. But that's no reason to go ruining people's illusions."
Dietrich: "...... Oh, I'm sorry. I thought she knew."
------
Wait a minute... who am I here?
Harris (to Fish): Y'know, I like moments like this--when it gets all calm and peaceful...if you close your eyes you can practically hear a stream trickling down a mountainside.
(Long pause)
Fish (heading to the men's room): I forgot to jiggle the toilet...
I just watched (again) the episode about the gay Russian musician who wants to defect to America. Some great lines in that, but the funniest bit for me is when told that he can't defect for a frivolous reason, he asks Barney what 'frivolous' means. Barney replies that it would be for something like being in love with a girl--the Russian (who's already let out he's a homosexual to Wojo) beams a huge grin and says "Oh no, I'm not frivolous!" Hal Linden's reaction to that is priceless--he comes just about as close to completely losing it laughing on-camera as I think I ever saw him do on the series!
During the episode "Hash"
Yemana (stoned) says "Barney, let's all go down to beach and shoot some clams"
(Dietrich has been waxing eloquently to Yemana about the beauty of Japan).
Yemana: I'm from Omaha.
Dietrich: You know, we have a city in Nebraska with the same name.
He also says, "Barney, Barney, Barney, is your mother from Killarney" right before he burts out singing, "AND FROM THE WAY THAT I FEEL WHEN THAT BELL STARTS TO PEEL, IT'S ALMOST LIKE BEING IN LOVE."
share'The Rainmaker' - the episode that also features the Canadian woman mugging victim. Rainmaker guy has earlier explained to Wojo a ceremony he performed where he convinced the drought town's women to strip naked as necessary to bring rain. As he's being released, the Canadian woman who was mugged says she'd like to join him on his next trip, to Afghanistan. They're both by the door next to Wojo, when Rainmaker asks, 'ever heard of the [some Indian name] ceremony?' - obviously the one where the women get naked. She says no. Rainmaker loox strait @Wojo and says '"it's a good place to start". Wojo crax up, roll credits. The laughing is so hard I bet Max Gail was genuinely wrecked & ROTFLMAOing.
share"let's all go down to beach and shoot some clams"
I remember totally having hysterics over that line the first time I saw that episode.
The "Hash" episode and "You Dirty Rat" were the all-time best things that have ever been shown on television, period.
You've got me?! Who's got you?!
Military man in the precinct to serve as witness...
"Why would anybody want to bomb a military installation?"
Yemana replies "Nostalgia?"
It ain't easy being green, or anything else, other than to be me
When Yemana walks into the room after eating the drug-brownies (or whatever it was) and says "Anybody seen my legs?"
"Hey, I should be mad at YOU . . . now turn around."-Bender/Futurama
Awesome scene. That whole ep is non-stop brilliance.
Yemana: "They're about that long (holds up each hand). Ten toes. One's busted. And it looks like this (holds up a curled finger)."
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Wait a minute... who am I here?
Also from this episode (this line is still spouted at random moments by members of the family):
Nick: Barney...Barney...Barney. Is your mother from Kilarney?
Honorable mention:
Harris: I think they got hash in 'em Barn. From the way that I feel.
From the 'Lay-Off' episode (and how'd they get away with this?):
Chano describes how downtown is going to decide who to lay-off:
"They just go 'Eeeny meeny miney moe'."
Harris: "..... That means I'M next."
------
Wait a minute... who am I here?
Telephone Repairman (episode with the witness protection plan): Are you really a cop?
Yemana: Yeah, why do you ask?
Repairman: Never seen a Japanese cop before.
Yemana: Ever been to Tokyo?
I just love that line, but then the conversation goes on to talk about Tokyo in a non-funny way which kind of ruined it for me.
That's one of those lines you could miss its so throwaway but so funny if you think about it.
shareFish: First time in years I felt this good and it has to be illegal!
shareWojo gets over his fear of flying to escort a prisoner to Cleveland.
Wojo: Okay, I'm flying to Cleveland. Might not be that bad. I might even have a good time.
Yemana: You'd be the first.
Barney to Fish: "Nature's strange".
Fish: "I've spent my entire life proving it."
I liked the episode "The Experience" where Fish is feeling that he's too old to remain in the department after a faied foot chase: "When Wilson and I were chasing that kid... Do you know what it feels like to be running down 43rd Street, and your partner is cornering a guy on 52nd? Do you how I found out what happened? I asked a reporter! FOUR radio stations beat me to the scene of the crime!"
In that same episode, there's a classic bit of dilogue with Fish, Marty (who was a recurring character) and Detective Wilson (who was never seen again):
Fish: Nobody's answering the phone! I've got to cover the rest of the building!
Detective Wilson: Go ahead! Hey... I got your case back!
Fish: What case?
Detective Wilson: Your briefcase, on the desk!
Fish: Thanks!
[runs out again]
Marty: Aren't those the keys on the desk?
[Wilson runs to get them]
Fish: [slides back into the squad room and stares at the briefcase] Wilson... I don't own a briefcase.
Detective Wilson: [stares at briefcase as it dawns on him] It ain't yours?
Fish: No.
Marty: Who cares whose case it is? Just get the door open!
Fish: Wilson... the bomb is in the briefcase.
Detective Wilson: Holy Mama!
Marty: Oh, my God! Is it a big bomb?
Detective Wilson: How the hell do I know?
I like the one where Fish disappears, and Barney is trying to reassure Bernice that he probably just went for a walk by the water. Dietrich comes up and mentions casually that sure, he knew a guy that went off and did that once.
Barney says, "But he came back, right?"
Dietrich says, "Oh, sure. Tide brought him in."
I also liked the one where Harris has to dress up as a woman to lure muggers, and he comes in looking so hot that everyone is stunned. He's a little put out.
"I want to look good... not BETTER!"
I agree. All those lines were great. There's just so many of them that there aren't any best lines. They're all the best!:-)
shareHow about this exchange (and just how did they get away with this?):
Wojo: “Maybe I should just get a job in a harem.”
Dietrich: “There's plenty of openings.”
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Wait a minute... who am I here?
God, I'm laughing aloud just reading these...I disagree that it was the way they said the lines. The lines themselves were damned funny, though the actor's delivery was brilliant. How about when Wojo is trying to apologise to Barney for bringing in the hash brownies, and Barnie keeps brushing him off. Wojo persists, saying, "To err is human, to forgive, divine. Be divine, Barney." He says is with such total gravity, it is hysterical. So Barney finally says,"I forgive you." Then Wojo goes back to his desk where a collar is waiting, and as he goes mutters to himself, "How many guys can you ask to be divine and they be divine?" The collar gives him a somewhat freaked look and says, "Yeah, yeah." Sorry if my quotes are not exact.
shareAnother great exchange in the Hash Brownies episode, that's totally in the delivery, is Yemana stopping Harris and saying:
"I just realized my eyes make a noise when I blink..."
Harris: Yeah? Whatta they sound like?
Yemana (stares at him and then blinks two or three times): They go 'mooshie, mooshie'.
Harris (looks at him with the complete gravitas of the seriously stoned): That's beautiful, man...Beautiful.
The lines by themselves aren't that hilarious, but Glass and Soo's delivery of them is rolling on the floor hysterical.
I agree too--too many good lines. BUT I like the one where a TV exec and a disillusioned TV watcher are in the cell, and Wojo has said he doesn't watch TV. At one point the TV exec climbs up on the bars and yells that he's mad as hell and not going to take it any more. When Wojo questions him, he says, "Don't you go to the movies, either?"
shareThe episode where they bring in the guy who's been reported by his wife for selling all their belongings and using the proceeds to hoard gold. Harris, looking forlornly into one of the boxes says "It looks like he got it all. Looks like he didn't leave none for nobody else."
Priceless.
I love any line from the Hash episode
shareFrom the episode entitled "Rain," 11/27/75: Barney has had his fill of the constant depression due to the rain, and he lets everyone know it (this after part of the station house roof gives way).
Barney: "That's it. That's it. Nick, get the division commander. I think we've all had enough, huh? I've had it up to here. With inefficiency, with complacency, with-with-with trying to keep this place together with spit and wire! I'm sick and tired of trying to keep the lid on this potboiler situation we're living in! With-with-with no heat, no air, no light! No decent toilets!! They are going to hear it from me! And I don't want to hear any excuses, I don't want to hear from budgets, I don't want to hear any cockamamie fiscal garbage! They can take this job, they can--"
When Harris is told he has to shave his mustache.
"It's just that...it looks so damn good."
Man is told that his wife hired someone to kill him.
"Is that true, pumpkin?"
"Yes."
"Well, who put the bee in your bonnet?"
The hired killer after being told by the woman that she changed her mind.
"You could pick up a phone and tell a person."
Dietrich to a man from the FBI: Do you ever get to see the President when you're up there in Washington?
FBI man: Occasionally
Dietrich: Tell him Arthur says "Hi"
FBI man: Arthur who?
Dietrich: He'll know
Yemana to a person on the phone: Cash or credit card?
There's a pause while the person answers. Then...
Yemana: Shame on you! Don't you watch Karl Malden?