My first nomination - when the well-to do-lady lodges a complaint about Scanlon repeatedly trying to hit on her. After telling Barney and Wojo about this, she asks : "He does belong to you, doesn't he?"
Wojo, nodding and smiling : "He, uh, does now..."
Yemana's been catching the rainwater leaking through the roof and using it to make coffee. Barney protests about using water that's seeped through a moldy, decades-old ceiling, and Yemana, looking slowly up at the ceiling, down at the pot of coffee and then Barney, replies, "It filters out the impurities."
Poe! You are...avenged!
Harris is on the phone, yelling at the editors of a porn magazine who bastardized one of his short stories. Yemana is reading a copy of said magazine, giggling lecherously.
HARRIS: No, I don't want a free subscription!
YEMANA: Don't hang up!!
Typically brilliant deadpan interaction between Deitrich and Yemana.....
Deitrich picks up a pan of Yemana desk and looks at it carefully..
Deitrich 'Funny pot?'
Yemana 'It's called a wok.. It's used to cook chinese vegetables'
After a pause
Deitrich 'Oh.... No offense'
Yemana 'I'm not chinese'
Deitrich 'Well you were once, about fourth or fifth century'
Yemana, suitably bemused, stares at Dietrich, 'I'll be 46 in April...'
Deitrich with no sense of irony 'If I dont see you, happy birthday'
Yemana looks at him as if to say, what planet are you from....
Brilliant, love these two characters so much.............
I love that scene. So understated yet so damn funny. The interaction there is brilliant.
------
Wait a minute... who am I here?
It's interesting. From what I've read here, the one character who could make Dietrich look like a fool was Yemana. And it seems that more often than not this was related to Dietrich, normally viewed as this cosmopolitan intellectual, being a little bit racist, albeit in a friendly, patronizing sort of way.
That whole episode was hilarious. Dietrich brings in the priest who was selling stolen goods, and Barney asks him if he's OK with busting a priest...Dietrich looks at the priest and says, "Sure...it was a good collar."
Then later Barney tells him to take the stolen goods back and Dietrich picks up the wok and says, "I'll just take a wok over there..." Barney totally doesn't react, and Dietrich starts explaining about what a wok is, and Barney says, "Yeah, yeah, I know what a wok is!"
Harris walks in, sees the priest there, and hears the story about why he's there, and says, "What are you gonna do, throw the Good Book at him?" The way Harris starts laughing hysterically at his own joke is really funny.
And then at the end Barney & Dietrich are discussing religion. Dietrich says he's an atheist. Barney says "What are you going to say if you find out, when you die, that there IS a God, or some supreme being in charge?" Dietrich thinks for a minute, and then says, "'Whoops'?"
Yes, I just watched it tonight, and it may be my favorite episode ever.
Hey belacane,
Thank you for giving me the information I needed to identify the show where Dietrich delivers his "Whoops?" line. I have a good number of the Barney Miller shows recorded on VHS tape, and I have tried to search for the "Whoops?" episode with no luck so far. With your information, I think I have been able to identify the episode as "Moonlighting" which was originally shown on 17 February 1977. I will now be able to search my collection to see if I have that show.
Again, I thank you for your valuable information.
Best wishes,
Dave Wile
Wojo tells a bigamist that nobody asked for his opinion. Fish responds, "People with two wives don’t have opinions. They just nod a lot."
Tell people what?
After hearing Dietrich's description of the annual Wolfgang Goethe Festival, Harris rejoinders, "That's it?" To which Dietrich replies, "Plus. All the pretzels you can eat."
shareJust finished reading through the entries. My stomach actually hurts from laughing. Thank you, cap65. How about this one, from the brownies ep:
Barney sends Harris home, telling him to stay there till he feels better.
Harris: "I may get straight (?) but I ain't never gonna feel better."
Correct my memory if you can.
Barney: "The two of you, stay home until you feel better."
Harris: "OK, Barney, I'll stay... but I ain't never gonna feel no better."
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Wait a minute... who am I here?
Scientist: "My culture's dying!"
Harris: "Tell Me About It"
any time Deitrich laughs cracks me up too...
Another slightly off balance citizen is explaining what happened to her and in explaining how she was taken advantage of says
"I've always been dependent on the kindness of strangers"
Harris: "Didn't Blanche Du'bois say that?"
Lady: "Not to me"
Nuclear bomb episode when they are trying to to figure out if it could be real. Even a government official is there and not sure. Then Dietrich comes out of the bathroom, walks up and just goes "Where the hell did you get the nuclear bomb". Timing was just perfect!
shareMarty to guy in the cell with him: "What are u in for?
Guy: "I robbed a candy store"
Marty: "I have candy at my place"
"Mushy, mushy, mushy." "The first time in twenty years I feel really great, and it has to be illegal." "Hey, I'll go home... but I ain't never gonna feel better! "
This will be the high point of my day; it's all downhill from here.
So many great lines in this show.
Yemana: "That's not a squint; this is a squint".
Yemana: "I'm from Omaha."
Deitrich: "We got a place in Nebraska that sounds just like that."
Yemana: "Anybody seen my legs?"
Harris: "And I made a pig of myself!"
Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff.
Man in holding cell: "Hey, when do i get my phone call?"
(phone rings)
Yemana: "Maybe that's it now"
Genius timing
Yemana's cooking some traditional Japanese concoction on the hot-plate which everyone keeps getting a whiff of, and reacting none too favorably to the smell. Finally, Wojo says:
"It smells like garbage!"
Nick: That's not garbage...it's a traditional Japanese delicacy...
Wojo: Well what's in it?
Nick: Uh, fish heads, cabbage leaves, cucumber rind...(long pause)...uh, wait a minute...that *is* garbage.
Fish (who got a lot of the best one-liners), coming in nearly unable to breathe from a heavy fog outside:
Barney: You okay Fish?
Fish: I'll be fine...it's the fog. I think I accidentally swallowed a piece.
Like a number of others have said, it wasn't just the writing itself, it was the spot-on deadpan delivery by the cast that made many of these bits so hysterical.
After Wojo had a prisoner escape...
Deitrich: He got away from you, huh?
Wojo: Yep.
Deitrich: Hey look, don't worry about it. It's ah, it's just something that happens. We're human, there's nobody that's perfect. We do our jobs, we do the best we can, and every once in awhile... because we're fallible, the unforeseen happens. It just happens, you understand?
Wojo: You ever lose a prisoner Deitrich?
Deitrich: Me? No, you kidding?
-----
From "The Inventor", Wojo's under hypnosis (to recall evidence), and insults Barney and Harris with what he really thinks of them… then he talks about Deitrich...
Wojo: …the thing is I've been working in the Squad Room for five years now. I always feel like Barney needs to talk down to my level. Make some kind of allowances for me. Not like uh... well like Deitrich. Deitrich doesn't patronize you, he talks to you. Like you can understand what he's talking about. A lot of time I don't, but that's because Deitrich's a smart person. You know I think Deitrich has more brains than the rest of us put together.
Deitrich: I gotta sit here and take this garbage?
Modsquad, I'm so glad you posted that last bit--I'd referenced that scene on the "Dietrich Was The Original Cliff Clavin" thread, but didn't get the dialogue nearly as well as you have.
That moment is one of my favorite *almost* non-laugh-line ones in the whole series, and just points up how great the writers were at making all of these characters human beings, not just walking joke machines.
You're welcome!
Another of my favourites....
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Yemana: (reading a Japanese newspaper) Hey Chano, look at this...
Chano : What?
Yemana: A Japanese thermometer factory just went out of business.
Chano : Yeh, how come?
Yemana: They found traces of swordfish in the mercury. A-ha! Ha! Ha!
---------
Nick was the greatest...I was always so glad they never attempted to replace Jack Soo, because he was absolutely unique.
shareIn last night's re-run of "Hot Dogs," Chano (Gregory Sierra) is given three names of pot sellers by a pre-LAVERNE & SHIRLEY David Lander. One of whom allegedly does his business in the subway men's room at 8th Avenue and 34th Street. Barney is going to the nearby college where Lander's character was arrested by two over-eager policewomen. So, Chano says:
"Are you going by the 8th Ave. subway? Good! I've got to go to the men's room at 34th St."
To which Phil Fish (Abe Vigoda)--who answers more calls of nature than the rest of the 12th Precinct put together--replies (just like a little kid):
"Picky, PIIIIIIIIIICKYYYYYYYYYYY!"
I almost fell out of my chair, _laughing!_
From the two-parter "Quarantine":
Prostitute who's been brought in to the sqaudroom takes a shine to Fish, and goes for a little small talk:
Hooker: So, how long have you been a cop?
Fish: I was the first.
Vigoda is right on top of that line in his delivery, and makes it come out sounding about 10x more hilarious than you might think it would sound.
Fireman to Fish after the bathroom fire;
"Sure, go ahead, plumbing don't burn."
Fish is waiting for the bathroom to be clear. A new cop, Wentworth, is occupying the MENS room, which is the ONLY bathroom in the squad room. Fish is grumbling, as usual, that he realllllly has to GO... Wentworth finally emerges from the rest room, and we find that the new cop is a woman. "Oh, did you need to get in there?" she asks Fish who hardly pauses to remark as he hurries into the mens room.
Wentworth is sensitive about being the only woman cop in their squad room, so this is being discussed until Fish finally comes out of the mens room. He hands Wentworth a lipstick. Wentworth immediately demands to know how Fish knew it was her lipstick.
Fish quickly answers, deadpan and dripping with sarcasm, "None of the rest of us are left-handed."
Gawd I love the humor on Barney Miller - It was subtle and intelligent, something that is sadly lacking in shows these days.
They occasionally got off a good, subtle, sight gag too. I remember the ep where the air conditioning dies in the building, and the maintenance guy comes in triumphantly announcing that he's brought a fan--which he plugs in, and it proceeds to turn--very slooowwllyy. Once or twice, there's a shot with the same fan in the background, looking as if it's just completed about one revolution per hour. I just found that absolutely hilarious.
shareHarris is asking Yemana how to say "can you get me some coffee" for his book.
Yemana: (translates for Harris)
Fish (walks in from offscreen, so presumably he didn't hear it): Get it yourself! What am I, your maid?
I laughed so hard at that! Abe Vigoda was amazing when delivering his lines!
My next favorite line(s) are from tonight's re-run of "The Tunnel."
Nick Yemana is studying his usual racing form and tells Wojo that there's a favored horse in that day's race called "Pick Me, Nick." Wojo semi-sarcastically says: "You think it's some kind of sign?"
To which Nick replies: "Sign? It's practically an order!"
At the end of the episode, while talking about Wojo's alleged out-of-body experience when he was buried alive in the jewel thief's tunnel, Dietrich expresses his flat-out disbelief in an after-life to Yemana. Yemana disagrees...just before he gets a radiophone call from his bookie.
"Pick Me, Nick won! I won $400 bucks!"
Then, he turns to Dietrich with a smug grin on his face, and says:
"I guess that settles THAT!"
Nick, after using a pencil as a chopstick: "Oh my God, I ate my eraser!"
Fish, upon reading a nasty note from a ladies room and thinking it's a note from Bernice: "Are you SURE this is from Bernice?"
The lines weren't the funny part; it was the delivery. Soo and Vigoda both were just awesome at delivery.
Here's to the health of Cardinal Puff.
Later on Harris says he wonders if Fish really understands that much Japanese and asks Yemana to go say something else. Without missing a beat, Fish again snaps "Get it yourself! What am I, your maid?" It's clear that he overheard what Harris said and is faking them both out.
That single line tells us a huge amount of backstory for Sgt. Fish.
You've got me?! Who's got you?!
This one just comes to mind. On the episode "The Child Stealers" there is a man who claims to be a time traveler from the future. As crazy as he seems at first, he is very articulate and makes many detailed predictions.
You get the feeling that he is winning some of the detectives over in the process with his tall tales.
Right before he leaves he looks at Dietrich's name plate on his desk and asks something along the lines of "Dietrich? ARTHUR Deitrich?"
"Allow me to shake your hand!....(to the rest of the room), gentlemen, you should be honored to work with this man."
An obvious reference to the greatness that is yet to be. Anyone familiar with his character could easily imagine a Nobel Prize or cure of some disease...etc.
The look of annoyance on Harris' face is priceless.
I haven't seen this episode in decades, but I still remember Dietrich saying to the gang: "I couldn't've done it without ya."
shareOne of my favorite lines from the show isn't even humorous, but it's a killer putdown. I believe the episode is "Uniform Day", and Barney is having it out with Harris, who hasn't worn the required uniform. Barney expresses his exasperation with Harris, who's missed work for book signings, and other events related to his book (Blood on the Badge). Harris' response is harsh: "Just because your own prospects are severely limited, don't take out your frustrations on an innocent bystander!" I may not have gotten the quote precisely correct, but it is a great line. The fact that he's saying it to his boss makes it particularly devastating. --you've gone as high as you're going to go, but the sky is the limit for me.
And there is someone at work I hope to someday use that line on.
"My girlfriend sucked 37 d*cks!"
"In a row?"
I recall that episode vividly--it's a striking line because it really is harsh, and it did a great job of conveying the idea that even though they were all workmates, and had a good bit of bonding between them, they were also human beings who could get angry with one another and have less-than-positive feelings and even resentments toward one another.
It wasn't all just humor and laughs, and I remember getting really angry with Harris for being so utterly arrogant to Barney at that moment! It was part of what made the show and characters so great, that they could veer off sometimes into areas where the audience might actually momentarily dislike them, without ruining the basic chemistry of the whole ensemble.
And the reason it stings is that there is an element of truth to what he said. At that point Barney's chances of promotion seemed slim, he'd had issues in his marriage, and there had been a period where his apartment was going condo, and there were obstacles with him buying it (I don't recall that storyline every being resolved). And I think Hal Linden did an excellent job of conveying, momentarily, the personal impact of what Harris said to Barney, the shock of Hey, he has a point.
"My girlfriend sucked 37 d*cks!"
"In a row?"
Absolutely. They were all a great bunch of actors, in addition to being talented comics, and that was why the emotional impact of that scene really threw a punch.
I think Barney was finally able to float a loan (through the Hong Kong National Bank, if I recall correctly ), and was able to buy the apartment-turned-condo unit.
Dunno the episode - Wojo has confiscated weapons from a bank robbery, including a bazooka. He walx into Barney's office, where Barney is staring down intently at his desk reading something. Wojo points the (unloaded) bazooka at him goes "Hey Barn! About that raise I asked for...". Barney loox up & nearly has a heart attack.
shareBut at that moment, the show veered out of plausible reality. Barney is a forgiving and non-confrontational person, but Harris stepped far over the line, and should have at least received an official reprimand.
shareHarris may have had a point, JM. But, so does a dunce cap...which is what Harris undeniably deserved to wear for being so needlessly blunt!
shareHarris was neither an innocent nor a bystander. He was deliberately disobeying a mandatory policy because of his willing enslavement to fashion. And his narcissism is clearly established way back in the episode where they were quarantined in the precinct overnight because of suspected contamination by smallpox.
Harris is having a nightmare in which he's talking in his sleep so loudly, he wakes everybody else up. And, among other mutterings, he calls Barney "a compassionate turkey" and declares "I wanna BE somebody!"
(A clear indication that, even then, he considered career police officers as nobodies).
So, as far as I'm permanently concerned, Harris had it more-than-coming when Barney replied: "You are supposed to be wearing a uniform, TODAY! I suggest you GET a uniform, today. Unless you have some _immediate_ prospects for TOMORROW!"
1. The episode where they stumble upon a black market baby adoption ring. Wojo says, "Barney, you can't buy and sell human beings. It says so in the US Constitution, and I bet that goes for New York also!"
2. Wojo goes to break up a dog fighting site, and comes back bitten by one of the dogs. They have to find the dog or else he will have to have 14 rabies shots. Everyone keeps talking and talking about the treatment. Eventually, the stress gets to him, and he yells, "Sure, why don't we just all sit around talking and drinking tea, and watch me start foaming at the mouth with rabies?" Dietrich looks at him, and just breaks into delighted laughter.
This scene just reduces me to helpless laughter.
3. Not a funny one, but in the first season, the detective played by Gregory Sierra has shot and killed someone. It was presented as something that was ruled justified, but the detective has problems dealing with it. He takes some time off, and Barney comes to see him. They talk for awhile, and after Barney leaves, the detective puts his head down on the kitchen table and cries. It was such an affecting scene, and so unlike other TV shows of that time, which implied that cops kill people every day and it never bothered them. This man was broken up by the fact that he had killed another human being.
Just remembered another one.
They have arrested a young (9 or 10 years old) drug dealer. The entire episode, Harris tries to get through to him. At the end, Harris says, "I have one thing that you will never have."
The kid sighs, rolls his eyes, and says, "What?"
Harris pulls himself tall. "A credit rating!"
Funny line, but it also influenced my adult life. One of my proudest moments came when I was applying for a mortgage, and the loan officer told me that I had excellent credit. I felt like I had received a nod of approval from Harris himself.
It was Season 5, Episode 8 Loan Shark (2 Nov. 1978). I remember it from the promo for the episode. I was like the kid going "Say what?" when I heard it; then the ensuing conversation tied it all together. FWIW, all Harris said was "Credit".
shareMy favorite Barney Miller line of all time -- it cracks me up just thinking about it -- is one of those "you have to see it to get it lines," because it's not funny just laid out in words.
I'll do it anyway, but I urge any of your hard core fans to find this 5 second snippet and see what I mean.
It's from the episode "Christmas Story" (season 3, episode 10).
About 8 minutes in, Fish brings in a man who went bananas at Segals department store (where else?).
The man had bought a toy -- "a zuma go-round" -- but wound up throwing the box through the store window.
Anyway, the man -- although he is visibility agitated -- appears to be keeping himself in control, and he's walking Barney through the events that brought him to the police station.
But all of a sudden, after describing the toy, the man just loses it and screams "IT WON'T GO TOGETHER!"
I don't think I've ever laughed harder watching Barney Miller. Even now when I think about it cracks me up. It was just so PERFECT. The guy's tone embodied every adult, man or woman, who has not been able to assemble some insanely put-together toy or product.
I don't know if it was the acting, the directing, the writing...or maybe all three, but for me they all came together in that one moment -- it was comedic perfection!